


A Convention Of Splinters, a Dirkscord Mockumentary

by golgothasTerror (coccineousTaws)



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-10
Updated: 2019-11-10
Packaged: 2021-01-26 15:54:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 506
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21376666
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/coccineousTaws/pseuds/golgothasTerror
Summary: I document my experiences in the Dirkscord.
Kudos: 11





	1. Introduction

How does one endure in a room crammed full of ten of the most insufferable men in paradox space? How does one control themselves as this number increases by nearly double? I am Jake English (one of two) and I have undoubtedly seen the relentless rise of the dirkpocalypse. From a few questionable red themed men to a Dirk named shark hammer hammer hammer, if there is one fundamental thing I have learned from my firsthand experiences in the Dirkscord it is that all good shenanigans start from a simple “hello!”

In this brilliant essay, I will traverse the Dirkscord and meticulously document the ongoing history of devilries. I may very well perish in my quixotic quest to deliver historical order to the Dirkscord; in which case I willingly leave my intellectual legacy to tumultedThunder, our resident Rose, and my trombone to that weird guy who allegedly stalked Vriska.

*straightens bow tie* Now, graciously allow me to properly introduce myself. I am Jake English, experienced entrepreneur extraordinaire, skilled hunter and legendary himbo. You might tacitly recognize me as the CEO of SkaiaNet Enterprises. Or perhaps from Rumble in da Pumpkin Patch. My ass is affectionately known throughout all the lands by every June, Dirk, and Janey named after my dearest pals. What you might not recognize is that a strapping young billionaire/bachelor/businessman like me needs time to unwind every once in a while. While I heartily enjoy my Crockercorp® brand BubblyWater® I like to kick back, relax and submerge myself in a shimmering sea of Strider. 

To achieve this, I go gaily to the Dirkscord, a tremendous sea of Dirk and friends that is only slightly suffocating.


	2. CHAPTER TWO: INTERVIEWING TONY

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I interview a member of the Dirkscord.

JAKE: Hello everyone, and welcome to todays chapter of Splinterfest a la english, today well be interviewing discord user tony the tiger fan aka "not dirk fan"

JAKE: So tony, how did you come across the dirkscord

TONY:I found it from a friend that invited me that i knew from davescord

JAKE: Interesting and what is davescord

It was at this point where a Dirk interjected

DIRK: weewee

TONY: The davescord used to be a server all about dave Now its just Mostly horny chat And the occasional mention of homestuck So basically dirkscord when i horny post

JAKE: nice nice, and you have chosen to be yourself instead of a homestuck character

TONY: i am homestuck

JAKE: you  _ are _ homestuck

TONY: Yeah only on the weekends

JAKE: and how is that possible

TONY: i dunno man, i just do it

JAKE: thats fine, do you have any thoughts on the oppression of dirk kinnies?

TONY: hmmmmm Every dirk kin deserves all the hate they get Because dirk can quite honestly suck my nuts. He kinda fresh doe So i would give dirk kins a 7/10

JAKE: thats valid, any final thoughts?

TONY: epstien didnt kill himself

JAKE: well thats all the time we have for today! Thanks for tuning in to todays programme, please play the Price is Right theme for full effect now.


End file.
